Speed Dating, or How I Met My Mismatch
by pennytree
Summary: With his coven dismantled, his hated father already dead, and the prison world no more, what's a magic-siphoning witch to do when revenge is off the table? Enter the Mystic Falls gang and their helpful hints...
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:** Characters not mine, story idea also not mine since some other lucky fan of the ship came up with it at one of the cons.

 **A/N:** Heyyyy, guys. I had this on my drive, started it right after the panels, and been using this as sort of a no-pressure exercise just to work out little roadblocks when I'm writing Charade. Today I looked at it, thought 'well this is getting kinda long.' Figured I'd put it out there for y'all. I'll probably add more. I don't even know where it's going? But that speed dating thing was too amazing to leave alone. Even with KG/CW saying they're not writers, they hit it out of the park just with that improv scene. Better than the pile of dung that was 6x22. Right? ;)

Anyway, enjoy.

 **SPEED DATING, OR HOW I MET MY MISMATCH**

"So Dad died. And Liv and I didn't do the merge. The magic linking everyone fizzed out. And now the elders are saying that our coven is disbanded. Big power vacuum."

"Shit. Well, good. Hated our coven anyway."

"Yea. Me, too. But, dad died."

"Okay, yeah. Oh, should I go to the funeral?"

"There wasn't one. Elders burned him in a big pyre. It was nice. I'm keeping his ashes in the same urn as Snowball."

"Huh. All right. Well, thanks for calling."

"Jo, your pregnancy brain is showing. Dad _died_."

"...Sorry for your loss, Luke. Didn't know you guys were close."

"No, honey. We weren't. But now he's dead. And there goes the prison world. As in, no longer imprisoning."

"...Oh. OH. OH, SHIT."

"Yeah."

-XxXxX-

THREE MONTHS LATER...

* knock on door *

"Sweetie, can you please get that?"

* knock becoming insistent *

"Ric, I'm in the middle of cooking here!"

"Okay, hon, I'm just-the game's in overtime! I'm trying to find the remote so I can pause it!"

"You're recording it! Why do you need to pause it?! It's called REWIND!"

* knock kno- *

"Hi."

"Uhm. Hi. Who are you?"

"I'm Kai. Jo's bro-"

* thud *

...long pause...

"Um, Jo, sweetie! Can you come here?"

"No! I'm cooking, dammit, and I don't have the energy to waddle over there and give you and Damon your beers!"

"That wasn't Damon at the door!"

"Who was it? And what was that noise?"

"That was your brother hitting the floor because I punched him in the face and knocked him out!"

* running footsteps *

"Luke? Why would you punch-Oh. Oh. Oh, shit."

-XxXxX-

THE NEXT DAY...

"It's so hollow now, Jo. Like I don't have a reason to exist anymore. Our coven gone, Dad dead, you powerless. I plotted two decades for revenge! And now, nothing. It's not the same, killing random people out of necessity."

"..."

"By the way, I hope you don't mind, but I had to stuff the cab driver in your trunk."

"What!"

"I didn't have money to pay, and he was...very belligerent."

* chair scraping, rapid footsteps running around the apartment *

"Ric!"

"He might not be dead anyway. I just used a sleeper hold. Although now he may have suffocated."

"RIIIIICCC!"

-XxXxX-

THE NEXT WEEK...

"Thanks for letting me crash on the couch."

"You need to leave. It's making Jo cranky and I just can't take it, she was already so moody I didn't think it could get worse. So thanks for that."

"But where am I gonna go? I have no money. I could kill people for it, but...what's the point?"

"Get a job."

"C'mon, Ric. Can you see it now? Sociopath in need of employment. Skills include siphoning magic, practicing magic, sharp weapons expert, intimidating tactics, high IQ, and works well independently...Actually, that sounds good. Can you help me with my resume?"

"..."

-XxXxX-

ONE MONTH LATER...

"Thanks for helping me move, you guys."

"If we never see you again, it'll be too soon. Have a nice life, buddy. C'mon, Jo."

"Thanks for the resume, too!"

* footsteps fading *

"I think he's warming up to me, sis."

"He's really not. I don't know why you get that impression."

"Y'know, now that I have my next assignment-"

"How'd you get a job as a killer-for-hire using Google?"

"You'd be shocked. Mystic Falls is where it's at, I guess. I'm really digging the technology age. Helping me transition smoothly. Hey, you guys wanna stay for brunch? I got a stocked fridge."

"Not really."

"...Oh, okay. Well, I'll call you later, then."

"Please don't."

"..."

"The hell?! Are you-Kai, are those tears?"

"What is that?"

"When you have water coming out of your eyes! Like now. What the hell is wrong you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm bored?"

"People don't cry when they're bored. Oh, my God."

"What is this, then?"

"I think you're lonely. Go...find some friends or something."

"How?"

"...Go online. Safest bet. Watch out for pedophiles, though. Oh, you know what? Go friend them, and then maybe you can make them your next targets."

"Sure. Okay, good idea. Nobody will miss them, right? I could be like that guy Dexter. Ever watch that show? I just binged on Netflix. I really connect with that character."

"You should splurge on therapy. After you get your next paycheck. Or blood money. Whichever. Gotta go."

-XxXxX-

ONE MONTH LATER...

"Gin, neat."

* two shots of gin disappear quickly, one after the other *

"Two more."

* another two, gone *

"Whew. That's bracing. Haven't done that in a while. Nice kick, huh?"

* ensuing awkward glance between two men at a bar *

"What-Whaddaya having there?"

"Water."

"Oh. Yeah, good choice. Classic. More people should drink water...at a bar."

"You know, I'm not really looking to have a conversation with anyone. My brother was here just now. I didn't even want to talk to him."

"Yeah, man, sure. I get it. Long day, you know? Nice to sit here and get smashed all by myself. And people watch. I like that, too."

* other man ignores comment *

"Bad day at work. My, uh, client...was really struggling on this, um, project of mine. And it got messy."

"What part of 'I don't want to talk' didn't you get?"

"Oh, so you were serious? I thought that was just a formality. Sorry. I'm a little rusty with my social skills. You're the first drinking buddy I've had."

"We're not drinking buddies."

"Anyone ever tell you that you have a very pronounced brow line? And yet, it doesn't give you a Neanderthal look."

* ensuing glare from one man to the other *

"Okay, now-now it does."

* chair scrapes *

"Put it on my tab, Matt! Thanks."

"Sure. See ya, Stefan."

* silence again at the bar, except for the sound of a lone man muttering *

"...Way to piss off your new friend, Kai."

-XxXxX-

ONE MONTH LATER...

"Well, well, look what the cat dragged in. My brother's new drinking buddy AKA Ric's psychopathic brother-by-marriage."

* ensuing glare from one man, and a pleased look from the other *

"Stefan said I'm his drinking buddy? See. I knew it."

* perplexed face from one man, as the other continues to look pleased *

"Thought it was high time to meet the new kid in town. Or let's say, the new forty year old power hungry family murdering manchild."

"Well, I'm flattered. I didn't know I was getting so much hype. You must be Damon. Creepy one hundred sixty year old vampire with a whimsical taste for murder, currently obsessed with a college girl. Am I right?"

"Eh. So, 1994, eh? Me, personally, I would've preferred the eighties as my personal hell. Better hair and clothes. And music."

"I can still make that happen for you, if you don't leave me to my drink in peace."

"Stop lying. I'm in the loop. You have no powers of your own."

"Really? You should follow me on twitter, then, get all my latest updates. If you did, you'd know I have a plan to change that."

"Should I warn Ric?"

"No need. My sister knows all about it, and I even have her blessing. But I think that's mostly cuz she's sure it won't work."

"Well, then. Good luck with that. Oh, and whenever you're in the mood for a murder spree, give me a heads up so I can take my girlfriend out of town for the weekend."

"It was _one_ time. You kill half your family and suddenly, you're a mass murderer. It's not like I pulled a Charlie Manson. Geeze, you people."

-XxXxX-

ONE MONTH LATER...

* shots glasses banging simultaneously at the bar *

"So, I've been meaning to ask, is there _any_ other bar in this town?"

"Would we be here if there was? Damon can tell you the other joints within a fifty-mile radius, but I like to stay local."

"We should open our own, little brother."

"Get real, Damon."

"I would be your most frequent customer. But only if you guys add a Taco Tuesday."

"Not the kind of bar I had in mind, Kai. So I was thinking Elena could run it, she's a whiz."

"I could see that. And Caroline could be our marketer."

"For vampires, you guys are really sad. The way you talk about your girlfriends. I mean, you have _girlfriends_. That's lame. What're you, in junior high?"

"Jealous, Kai?"

"Hell no, Stefan. Why would I be? Do I look like I'm lacking for female attention? I mean, okay, right now in this moment in time, sure. But it's our guys night out. So, you know-"

"Protesting a little too much, man."

"Ric's having a barbecue next week. Maybe Elena can bring Miss Witchy Woo."

"Damon, don't embarrass yourself. I don't need a blind date, okay? Just last week, I got like two digits when we went to that club."

"911 and 1-800-GOT-JUNK don't count."

* cue betrayed silence *

"Stefan, did you sneak a look at my digits?"

"You left them on the table. It was there for anyone to read. And you really need to work on your pick up lines. 'You have a lovely hairline' is what a man suffering from baldness dreams of, not a woman on the dance floor."

"Let's face it, brother. Lame-o Mage-o here is a lost cause. Why don't you just whip up a love potion or use your stolen magic to spell yourself a girlfriend?

"Or join eHarmony. Or go speed dating."

"That, too."

"Join eharmowhat, go where now?"

"Google it, Kai."

-XxXxX-

A WEEK LATER...

"Say that again, but slowly."

"I'm. Going. To. A. Speed. Dating. Meetup."

* laughter *

* more laughter *

* and more *

"Thanks, sis."

"Sorry. Oh, boy. I think I broke my water cracking up. Oh, wait. No. That was just a little pee that leaked out."

"O-kay. Yuck. How about you never mention the passing of body fluids when I'm in the room. Ever again. Thanks."

"Where is this meet-up?"

"Conference room at that hotel downtown. Hey, you wanna come with? You know, for moral support?"

"I really don't, no. But have fun."

-XxXxX-

THAT SAME NIGHT...

* laughter *

* ten minutes later, still laughing *

* barstool scraping *

"Why is this so funny?"

"Stefan, he thought we were serious!"

"I've been told my funny face is too much like my serious face. So I can see how this happened."

"...Thanks, assholes."

-XxXxX-

THE NEXT DAY...

* ding ding *

"GENTLEMEN, PLEASE CHANGE TABLES.

* chairs scraping and hum of conversation *

"Hiiiiii! How are you? I'm Felicia."

"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Kai."

"I saw you a few tables away and was looking forward to talking to you."

"Oh, great. Thanks."

"So tell me about yourself? What do you do? You look like you're in the healthcare field. Are you a paramedic? You're giving me those vibes. I'm a masseuse so that'd be great to have common ground. My gosh, I'm babbling. Sorry. Feel free to cut in here."

"Okay, well, I-"

"Did you find a good parking spot when you got here? Because I had such a hard time, and my car is new, so I didn't just want to squeeze into anywhere. Ended up in the other plaza. Crazy. What kind of car do you drive?"

"..."

-XxXxX-

TEN MINUTES LATER...

* cue scraping of chair *

"Hey."

"Hi."

"Just so you know, the guy before you was really awesome and is the only one I'm gonna tick. Thought I'd be honest."

"Oh. I see. That's great for you."

"Yea-huh."

"..."

"..."

-XxXxX-

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

* disgruntled sigh *

"What's wrong with you?"

"Sorry. Hi."

"I was totally gonna tick you cuz you're hot, and I thought we could hook up at least. But, dude, you have a bad attitude."

"..."

-XxXxX-

TWO MINUTES LATER...

* man giving long stare at a woman at one table, before he walks up nervously *

"Hi."

"H-H-Hi."

"Hi, I'm Bonnie."

* dazed man sitting on a chair, still staring *

* woman smiling expectantly *

* dazed man leans forward, she goes to shake his hand, but he ends up patting her thigh awkwardly *

"Kai."

"So, Kai, what do you do?"

* him smiling goofily at her *

"What's your coven?"

"Wh-What?"

"Sorry."

* nervous laughter from both *

"My coven?"

"Sorry, you're like really pretty."

"I'm...not a witch, just a regular girl from Mystic Falls."

"Cool."

* nervous laughter from her, while he gazes at her face *

"What's your favorite insect?"

"I like butterflies, I guess-"

"Your earlobes are really nice shapes, you have nicely-shaped earlobes."

"Where did you say you're from? I've never seen you around before."

* she tilts her head in curiosity, he glances away uncomfortable *

"You're not from Virginia?"

"I was in...this place...this place where I was from...just this place-"

"A place? Where?"

"I was stuck in-do you have cupcakes?"

* he leans forward intently *

"Sometimes, um, yea, I do."

"Okay."

* shared mutual smile between the two *

DING DING

"Time to go."

"Okay, good meeting you."

* man stares at her departing form *

-XxXxX-

ONE HOUR LATER...

* man on phone, checking if speed dating tick got a reply *

"Aw, come on, Bonnie."

-XxXxX-

FIVE HOURS LATER...

* man on phone, checking for 34th time for tick reply *

"Seriously, what the hell? Is the server down or something?"

-XxXxX-

ONE WEEK LATER...

* checking if tick got a reply, for the 2,749th time *

"GAHHHHH!"

-XxXxX-

TWO WEEKS LATER...

* checking for the 9,853rd time for tick reply *

"Bonnie."

* sob *

"...Did you say something?"

"One more."

"I don't know, Kai, that's your tenth glass. You look really sick."

"Matt, please. I'm fine."

* man downs his tenth shot glass *

* one minute later, man is passed out on the bar counter *

"You okay over there?"

"..."

"Dammit. I hate this job."

-XxXxX-

ONE WEEK LATER...

"Don't know if you've heard, but there's like a looooot of other women out there."

"..."

"You had a four-minute encounter, why are you so depressed?"

"I'm not. It was nothing."

"You're lying. I can always tell because you look constipated when you lie."

"Maybe I am. Actually constipated."

"No, that's me. Because I have a tiny human head blocking my intestinal tract. Among other problems. See, these are real issues. Unlike yours."

"..."

"Look, Ric and I are having that barbeque. If you promise not to be a weirdo, you can come."

"Okay. Should I bring something? Oh, you know I make a really good macaroni salad."

"Yeah! I remember. Bring that. A lot of it. And save me a bowl of it in your fridge. So I can have some next time I visit your apartment. Oh, and you're out of jam."

"What?! Stop raiding my fridge!"

-XxXxX-

THREE DAYS LATER...

"When you said barbecue, I was thinking like a house party. With a few more women to meet. The only single girls here are a handful of women I've known since third grade."

"Matt, I have a pregnant wife. Where is your head?"

"C'mon, Mattie blue eyes, don't tell me as a bartender you don't see enough action."

"Lately, Damon, all I've been seeing is Kai. Moping or passed out at the bar. Not my kind of action."

"Speaking of, has anyone tasted his macaroni salad? Cuz it's really good."

"No, Ric. Because Mrs. Waddle over took the whole bowl for herself."

"What? No, that was a really big bowl."

"And she has a really big appetite."

-XxXxX-

THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

"The hell is wrong with you?"

* crunch crunch *

"Whaddaya want, Damon?"

"Stuffing your face with pork rinds in a corner watching Judge Judy isn't the way to make new friends at a BBQ."

"Leave me alone. It's just getting good. Look, plaintiff's about to get dissed by Judy. Hooo. I love that woman."

"You're really deranged. Look, there's Elena's friend. Why don't you go talk to her. She's reasonably pretty. A little judgy. Also irritating and not the best people person. You two would really hit it off."

"Knock it off, I told you I don't want to be set up-Oh. Oh, my God."

* bag of pork rinds drops to floor *

"What the hell?"

"Damon. It's her. That's the girl from the speed date!"

"... _BONNIE_?"

-XxXxX-

TEN SECONDS LATER...

"H-H-H-"

* choking, coughing, then throat clearing *

"Ahem. Hi."

* woman turns around, sees man *

"Oh. Hi!"

* man erupts into an enormous, goofy grin *

"Hi, Bonnie."

"Wow. Um, this is weird...Kai, right?"

"Yeah. Hi."

"...How are you?"

"I-I'm good. I ticked you."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"The speed dating. I ticked you. And I waited to hear back."

"Oh, I didn't even know. Sorry. My friend Caroline set it all up. I don't even know what a tick is?"

* relieved, happy sigh *

"It's okay. So. Small world, huh?"

"Yeah. No kidding. How do you know Ric?"

"Brother-in-law. Jo's my twin."

"Oh. _Jo_ is your _twin_?"

* woman looks perplexed, eyeing the man *

"Hehehe. Or, feels like it? She's my sister. Just my older sister. Feels like we're just so close she's like a twin. H-h-how do you know Ric?"

"Former history teacher. Also, he was my friend's guardian."

"Oh. Neat."

* long, unbroken stare from man while woman smiles nervously *

"Sorry. Don't mean to stare. Just, I didn't think I'd see you again."

"Okay."

"And you have a great smile."

* big grin from woman, tucking her hair behind her ear *

"So, Kai have you eaten yet? Cuz I'm gonna grab a plate."

"Me, too."

"Okay, let's go. What's good, anyway?"

* contented sigh from man *

"Everything."

-XxXxX-


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

Thought I'd add a little more. :)

 **PART TWO**

"Hello?"

"Hi! Bonnie, hi. Good morning!"

"...is it?...it's kinda dark still outside..."

* slapping of hand on nightstand, to grab clock *

"You know it's five in the morning...on a Sunday?"

"Yeah! You mentioned you're a morning person. Thought you'd be up by now."

"...no. Not yet."

"...sorry. Wow. Thoughtless. Do you want me to call back? Like in an hour?"

"That would still be six in the morning."

"Right. Still dark, I guess."

"How about I call you once I wake up and get some coffee in me?"

"Sure, okay. Sounds good..."

"Okay...talk to you later..."

"Your drowsy voice is-really sexy."

"...you're kinda loopy. But, thanks?"

* silence on phone *

* continued silence *

"Kai?"

"Yep. Talk to you later, bye!"

* man hangs up phone, staring down at sudden erection that won't go away *

-XxXxX-

ONE WEEK LATER...

"So you're a witch. Turned killer for hire?"

"Yes, but I use the Dexter method."

"...is that the serial killer on HBO?"

"Yeah! Oh, do you watch that?"

"Sometimes. I'm not caught up."

"Great! I won't spoil you. Awesome, I won't have to explain it to you. My approach."

"Your approach-to killing people?"

"Uh-huh. It's important you understand. I'm really picky with my cases. Like, I just kill the ones who deserve it."

"Oh."

"Jo told me to emphasize that when we had this talk. That I only murder assholes. Ya know, the ones who have no remorse. 'Cause it's totally different from remorseful assholes. Them, I leave alone. It's only fair. Being one myself."

"..."

"Bonnie, I swear-"

"I'm sorry, I just need to process."

* fifteen minutes later, still sitting at a booth in diner, man and woman staring at each other, man sipping milkshake nervously, while woman looks like a frozen statue *

"Bon-"

"Still processing."

"Okay, great."

-XxXxX-

TWO DAYS LATER...

* phone rings, man picks up quickly on first trill, then schools face to calm, and clears throat to weed out any sounds of desperation *

"So...done processing?"

"..."

"Bonnie?"

"Yeah. I think so, Kai."

"And? We, uh, good?

"Well...I have this rule where I try not to date homicidal men since that's more of my friends' thing..."

"...cool."

"...Are you?"

"...sure."

"You sound mad."

"No. Wha-no, it's no big deal. We were keeping it loose anyway, right? I'm a busy man, you're a...pretty girl..."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you around, then. Good luck with-the Dexter thing."

-XxXxX-

THAT SAME NIGHT...

"Eight glasses?"

"Yeah."

"Eight. All at once?"

"There a problem?"

"He got dumped, just give the man his shots, Mattie. I'll have my regular."

"Didn't get dumped, Damon."

"There's this grapevine, and I been hearing from there that is _exactly_ what happened. Told you being honest at the start never pays off. Gotta reel 'em in first."

"You don't get dumped if you never even went out on a date."

"Ouch. That's even worse. You didn't make the cut, my friend."

"What is that?"

"Eh. A reversible problem. You still have a window. I may know a little something about it. Let me just say, persistence is key."

"Says the guy who stalked his brother's girlfriend."

"No, no. _That_ was persistence. And look where it got me, huh?"

"...I'm listening."

"Okay, well, you didn't hear it from me...but Elena may or may not have mentioned that Caroline and Bonnie may or may not be at the movies tomorrow night..."

-XxXxX-

THE NEXT NIGHT...

"Why am I here?"

"Catching the latest showing. What's your problem? Eat your damn popcorn that I paid for, geeze."

"I don't like popcorn."

"Really, dude, I know you're a vampire. But everyone loves popcorn."

"I don't. That statement isn't accurate."

"Can you just-look, here comes the trailers."

"Know what else I don't like? Chick flicks. And Reese Witherspoon. I don't even watch this with Caroline."

* man munches loudly on popcorn, eyeing a seat two rows in front, where a woman sits next to an empty seat *

"I also don't like you."

"Stop. I'm your BFF, don't lie. We're way past the stage of being coy, okay? And Damon's not here. Your feelings are safe, Stef."

"Don't call me Stef."

* man continues munching loudly on popcorn, then stops as a man approaches the empty seat next to the woman two rows in front *

"Aw, _hell_ no!"

* man throws popcorn bag to the floor, standing...then breathes in relief when the other man passes the empty seat, walking to another further down the row next to another woman. *

"Dammit, I just wasted a perfectly good bag of..."

* magic brings the bag up from the floor, and magic refills half emptied bag with new popcorn *

"Is that Bonnie up there?"

"What? No."

"Kai. You dragged me here so we can spy on Bonnie."

"Is that her? _What_ a coincidence."

* man chuckles, in between munching on popcorn *

"You're pathetic."

* man slurps soda, staring innocently *

"I told you not to listen to Damon."

"He said to play it cool! I did! So cool she fucking froze me out, man! I should never have listened to you! _Give her time!_ I gave her too much...who processes things for two fucking days?! I haven't seen her in so long, and I can't take it-"

"SHHH!"

"Ah, simmer do-oh, what was that? Did someone just threw a nacho chip on my head?"

"Yeah. With cheese."

"Kai. I have cheese. In my hair."

"Okay, here, have a napkin."

"I'm gonna kill you."

"After the movie. Where's your manners? This is my treat anyway."

"Treat? More like torture."

"Stefan?"

"Oh, my God."

* man gets up excitedly, in between munching popcorn *

"Caroline, hey! Fancy meeting you here."

"Yeah, Kai. At a chick flick. Weird."

"Hi, Care."

"So you're willing to watch a rom-com with _him_ , but not me? Really?"

"I'm here against my will. I want that on record."

"Ugh!"

* storms off *

"Caroline, wait! Ah, dammit. People, do NOT throw shit on my hair. I will _eat_ you! Caroline!"

"SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Kai?"

* man picks up soda and popcorn, then climbs over people carelessly to drop two rows to the front, on empty seat beside the woman *

"Hey, Bonnie."

"Hey. Where did Caroline just go? And was that Stefan?"

"Yeah. Lovers' spat. You know how that is."

* man holds out popcorn...then smiles widely when girl reaches in hesitantly *

"Thanks."

"Sure."

"I have an extra straw, too. If you want to share my drink."

"What do you have?"

"Cherry coke."

"Okay. Thanks."

* man's smile grows wider *

-XxXxX-

TEN MINUTES LATER...

* man yawns, then stretches arm out to casually rest behind woman's seat *

"Don't push it."

"Nope. Never."

* man brings arm back to his side, reaching for popcorn, at the same moment woman does also. Their fingers touch, and magic sparks out. *

* man and woman stare at each other in the dark *

"...that wasn't me. Was that you?"

"What? Of course not."

"Bonnieeee..."

-XxXxX-

ONE HOUR, THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

* walking out of the theater, man eyeing woman suspiciously, as she avoids his eyes *

"You naughty girl. Keeping secrets."

"I'm not."

"Okay, so was that just our explosive chemistry then?"

"No. Good night, Kai."

"Need a lift?"

"Caroline said she would pick me up."

"My car's right around the corner, if you change your mind."

* woman stares at man walking away, then focuses on his ass in skinny jeans, before she shakes her head *

"Um, okay, sure. Thanks."

* woman approaches car, where man has passenger door held open, smirking as she brushes by him to get inside *

* closes door smoothly, before turning around and doing dramatic fist pump and hip bucking *

"I can see you!"

* man stops and then quickly walks back to the driver's side, all calm *

-XxXxX-

THREE WEEKS LATER...

* woman walks up the porch to her house, then turns around, looking angry as man stops on top of step, looking confused *

"So you're saying, I shouldn't try to dismember people who 'accidentally' grab your ass on purpose?"

"He was drunk, Kai. And I could've handled it. And you didn't try to dismember him, you actually _did_."

"Well, lucky for him, you fixed him right up! He definitely picked the right ass to grab, right? Not only do you like being fondled by strangers, but you're also a witch after all. Which I knew, back when we met at the speed dating table."

"For the tenth time, sorry I didn't tell you right away. Didn't want to scare anyone off. Men don't really go for the girls who can magically curse them with warts when they don't call back."

"..."

"Kai?"

"Sorry, just having a hard time imagining anyone wouldn't call you back."

"..."

"Bonnie?"

* woman walks up to man, hauls him down by his jacket, and kisses him *

* surprised man wraps hands around woman, and kisses back *

* two minutes later, still kissing *

* three minutes later, kissing has turned to semi-indecent make-out on the porch swing *

"Wanna come inside?"

"Yes, please."

-XxXxX-

AN HOUR LATER...

* man and woman plop on to their backs, tangled up in bedsheets *

"Oh, my God."

"Holy shit."

* man and woman continue to stare away from each other, faces sweaty and shock in their eyes *

* seconds later, woman is staring around at floor and walls that look half-burned and broken pieces of furniture everywhere *

"Bonnie, is that normal for you? Starting fires when you climax?"

"No. You do that a lot? Break windows during sex?"

"Not really. Not ever."

* both blinking up at the ceiling *

"Wanna try it ag-"

"Yeah, okay."

-XxXxX-

ONE MONTH LATER...

"Just lemonade."

"What, seriously?"

"Don't make me repeat myself, Matt. I'm in a good mood."

* scraping of stool chair next to the man with a goofy grin sitting at the bar *

"You look weird."

"Hey yourself, Damon."

"Why do you look so stupid?"

* bigger grin grows *

"Oh. I see. Things going well with BonBon, huh?"

* grin threatens to split man's face in half *

"Called it. Now spare me the details."

"Yeah, sure. Hey, I gotta go kill this embezzler or something. But he's got vampire bodyguards. Wanna tag along?"

"Eh, why not? Everything's a rerun tonight anyway."

-XxXxX-


End file.
